What I learned on my summer vacation...

I ended last school year exhausted.  I felt like I had lost the battle for balance between work and home and church and anything else that needed to be accomplished by the time I fell into bed every night.  Conversations at home were tense.  I was losing my patience with my children.  Things were just not "right."  My Superwoman project was an epic failure.

Just to give you a little background, I have struggled with perfectionism for as long as I can remember.  As a result, I tend to drive myself crazy attempting to be all things to all people at all times.  I have a passionate desire for people around me to be "happy," whatever that means and whatever it costs. I also struggle with contentment.  Most days, the soundtrack of my mind sounds something like this.  "If ______________ would change, then everything would be perfect."  You can fill in that blank with whatever you want...new house, new job, new baby, more money, someone else's attitude, etc.  Both of these struggles left me searching.  I wasn't really sure what for, but I was convinced that something was missing.

Enter our new pastor. At least once or twice every Sunday, Pastor Jeff makes the following statement from the pulpit.  Actually, it's from the Westminster Catechism, but he says it while standing in the  pulpit. ... He says, "The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever."
 
So that got me thinking. Maybe my priorities were off. Since I was a little kid, I have known that salvation comes from God.  I can't earn it-- it is a gift of grace.  But I lived like my salvation (and the fate of the universe) depended on the perfect execution of my lengthy list of works.  There was certainly no peace to be found in all the "doing,"  so maybe I wasn't supposed to be focused on the "doing" at all.

June 1st of last year, I gracefully bowed out of every ministry I was involved in and committed to a quiet summer of reflection at home.  We went to church on Sunday mornings, as always, but that was it.  The rest of the time,  I loved on my boys and committed myself to learning what it means to "enjoy" God.  For me, that started with learning to be still before the Lord.

Being still is not a part of my nature.  If you have met my youngest son, add some longer hair and "girlier" features and you have met me as a kid.  That part of me has never grown up. At any given moment, I am either up running around or resisting the urge to do so.  So learning to sit before the Lord  was not easy for me.  I don't know that I will ever master it.  But here are a few things that God showed me this summer:

I will never, ever be good enough and that is okay.  If I was, there wouldn't be a need for grace and mercy.  Therefore, I can admit my weakness and rest in the power of Christ. For a frantic, people-pleaser like myself, that is a beautiful thing.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

Finding joy and contentment are choices that require obedience. This world is broken and it was never designed to be a place of comfort for me. But before Jesus left the earth, he promised to send the Holy Spirit. And the Holy Spirit gives us joy. Accepting joy is a choice.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

Complete..not lacking anything...content.  I am not there yet, and I still have much to learn about enjoying God.  But for me, there is great freedom in knowing that God sees the depths of my imperfections and the raging battles in my heart and still offers grace. If that were the only reason for joy, it would be enough.